i never want to become complacent with the world. i want to know the world in all its glory and grandeur, for all its failings and losses and gory details. i want to be moved to tears by things that the ordinary person walks by without giving a second thought. i want to raise my fist and say that i will not be quiet, say that i will never be what everyone says i should be, say a big "fuck you" to the social norm and do what i fucking love.

i never want to grow up. i want to keep the wonder of a child in my soul. i want to be the kind of person who cackles with glee jumping on a trampoline at fifty. i want to be fascinated by even the mundane things in life.

i have always felt that there is something i should be doing. something i am meant to accomplish. but, as mark pointed out to me, i still remain staunchly un-religous. this boggles my mind. how can i think that there's some sort of plan for me and not believe in a planner? i just want everything to be easy. i want everything easily.

perhaps this could be called a crisis of un-belief.

i had a different life once. i was a different girl. same face, same name, different person. i thought i was meant to be that girl. but i failed.

once i was told that someone would love me forever, that he'd always be there. and he didn't understand me anymore, didn't understand that i needed him more than i ever had. he only saw my mistakes. was only looking for the mistakes. but that's okay. one two three. one two three.

and now mark tells me that he'll always be there. that he'll always love me. and i get scared. i don't want to lose this. i had a future once, and i drank it into the ground. i don't want to do that again. i refuse to be the girl i was before.

and i get so scared sometimes because he is part of my future now and i don't want to lose that. and maybe this time it wouldn't be me. which terrifies me. and the terror is exhilariting.